What it means to be human
by Bettymoon
Summary: Jack struggles after the year that never was, and his death at the hands of John Hart. He decides on a drastic course of action to rid himself of his demons, only Ianto can save him now.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Obviously I do not own the intellectual rights of Torchwood. I am forever indebted to its writers, and I'm borrowing everything you're about to read!**

**Story: A re-imagining of the events following Jack's return from the year that never was. This time it all proves too much for Jack, can Ianto save the Captain when he makes a drastic decicion?**

**Spoilers: Series 1 & 2.**

**Rating: K+ (for now)**

**AN: This is my first published fic, and still a work in progress so stick with me! Chapters will get longer as I get into it.**

**I find music very creatively stimulating and any particular songs that have helped me along the way I'll list at the start of every chapter, feel free to tune in to them while you read.**

_Counting Crows: Rain King & Raining in Balitmore._

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**Chapter One.**

Jack rubbed his face with his hands, trying to ease the tension above his eyes. He'd been staring at the same page for half an hour, he realised, and hadn't taken in any of the detailed report Tosh had spent time compiling. Wearily he closed the folder and put his head on the desk, inhaling deeply. The report would have to wait for another day.

Jack yearned for sleep to take him away, he wished the small, cold fingers of unconsciousness would wrap around him and take him to the peaceful place he imagined. A place where he no longer had to re-live the daily torment he'd come to know. A hopeless feeling over came him and he sighed deeply, knowing that now was not the time to sleep, even if he could. He could no longer bear to shut his eyes when he was alone, terrified of the all encompassing blackness that had consumed him so many times before. Nights spent with Ianto seemed to help some, there was certainly less time to lay in the dark contemplating. The Captain sat up, pushing his fingers through his hair and, hearing shouts, looked out of the office door to where his team were busy playing with the basketball hoop he'd installed the year before.

"Ianto, over here!" yelled Owen, beckoning the young Welshman to pass him the ball, over the head of Toshiko who was wildly waving her arms in the air in a desperate attempt to block the move. Gwen was laughing on the side, and absolutely no help to Tosh whatsoever. Ianto passed the ball easily over Toshiko's head and Owen made the shot. "5 – Nil!" Owen shouted triumphantly, dancing smugly in front of Gwen and Toshiko who looked less than pleased. "Owen you are officially the worst winner in the world" Gwen taunted, dancing back around Owen as she narrowly missed his playful hand trying to tickle her. Ianto shot Tosh an eye-brow raised look and she smiled knowingly back.

Jack stood against the railings outside of his office and smiled sadly to himself as he looked down over the Hub and watched the team fool around. A profound sense of loss hit the Captain as he saw his team enjoying some down time together. He'd lost his carefree days somewhere deep in time, and even when he relaxed and tried to have fun he could never escape the nagging ache at the back of his mind. It reminded him of where he'd been, what he'd done, and what lay ahead every time he would die. There was only one place where he could find peace, an escape away from his crowded thoughts that threatened to overwhelm him, and that was in the arms of a certain young Welshman he was now observing with an intense gaze.

Ianto felt he was being watched, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up alerting his mind to the eyes upon him. He glanced across and from the corner of his eye he could see the imposing, for once quiet, figure of his boss stood leaning against the rails. Ever since Jack had returned he'd seemed more distant. In one sense he was much more present, their affair had gotten more intense, not to mention more frequent; Ianto had started to feel a connection he'd thought was long lost when Lisa died. It was a scary thought, and he'd tried to push it to the back of his mind, he couldn't stand to be hurt again. Deep down, despite the Captain's protests, he knew Jack wasn't the settling down type. Ianto also knew that, despite his best efforts, he was falling hopelessly in love. Hopelessly in love with a man, a complicated man. A very self assured, gorgeous, complicated, older man.

Jack noted Ianto's glance and knew he had been caught. Jogging down the stairs he took a deep breath, "game face on" he thought to himself as he worked a hundred watt smile onto his face, and called over to the team. "Pizza or Chinese?" Jack asked, "You guys look like you've worked up an appetite, and I for one am starving!" Ianto looked up at Jack's grinning face and saw through the smile immediately, the beautiful intrinsic spark was missing from his bright blue eyes. "Best leave it for now" Ianto told himself, and smiled back, making a mental note to quiz Jack later. After a brief debate, Tosh won everyone over to pizza and they placed the order, heading back at their desks to finish up the day's work.

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AN: Please review if you have time, feedback is appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

_Mumford & Sons: The Cave_

**Chapter Two.**

"NO!" Jack shouted loudly, spinning around in his sheets until his body was tangled and trapped; he started to kick his feet struggling against an invisible foe. Jack wrestled with his dreams, silencing his screams. Ianto was sleeping, albeit restlessly; somehow unconsciously aware of what was happening next to him. Ianto woke with a start, hearing Jack call out. He rolled over and saw that that his lover was wrapped up in the bed sheets, struggling, sweating, the distress evident on his contorted face.

Sitting up, Ianto moved over to the middle of the bed. "Jack, wake up, you're only dreaming" he said gently as he untwisted the sheets from around the man's torso, stroking the side of his face calmly to bring him to consciousness. Jack's eyes flew open and starred at Ianto. Silent tears started to roll down his cheeks; he coughed and tried to regain his erratic breath. "It's all around me, I can't move, I just can't…can't breathe…and it's all around me…" Jack started twinges of desperation and resignation in his voice. He took a few deep breaths, untangled his still clenched fists from the sheets, and ran his hands over his face - as if to test that it was still there, that he was really alive and awake. He started to turn away from his lover, feeling suddenly ashamed and upset. Ianto looked into Jack's face and saw the terror of his nightmare unfolding, dawning in his eyes; drawing shadows across his face in the early morning light.

"Shhh, it's ok, nothing can hurt you now I promise, I'm right here" he said, pulling the Captain into a close hug against his chest, kissing his forehead for reassurance. Jack cried silently into Ianto, wishing he could just forget everything that had happened, and live his life without the knowledge of the darkness that was to come. He took some deep breaths, taking in Ianto's scent, letting the arms around him envelop his body. He felt calmer, his tears dried and he enjoyed the soft warmth of the man beneath him, pushing the damning thoughts out of his mind and losing himself in the sensation of skin against skin. Jack knew he was in love with Ianto, he'd even told him a few times before, though he was never sure the young Welsham really understood what he meant or the feeling he had in these moments. After a while Ianto felt Jack relax, his body became less tense beneath his hold, and his breathing slowed to normal. Knowing he was the helping hand to this state of mind and body, Ianto felt justified in his love for the Captain. It reminded him to cast his doubts aside and remember why he was here, and what the man in his arms meant to him underneath all the bravado and flirtatious facade.

"I'm so sorry Ianto, you shouldn't have to see all this, let alone get woken up by it." Jack sighed into the Welshman's chest. Ianto looked over at the bedside clock, 4.08am. "Do you want some coffee? I'm awake now anyway and there doesn't seem much point going back to semi-sleep for 2 hours" he offered. Jack too looked at the clock, and seeing the time, sighed. He knew he'd never get back to sleep now, and embarrassment was starting to creep into his cheeks at having cried and panicked in front of the man he was supposed to be strong for. "Coffee would be good, especially Ianto coffee." Jack replied, looking up and smiling.

"Is that a hint of the famous Harkness-smile I detect?" Ianto asked playfully, somewhat relieved that Jack was no longer looking so devastated. "You know, it just might be." Jack answered, leaning his head up to softly kiss Ianto's mouth. Ianto kissed him back, and pushed himself up and out of bed. He reached over to the chair and pulled on some boxer shorts. "Spoil sport, you're ruining my view with those!" Jack muttered. Ianto smiled to himself and walked to the kitchen, some things would never change.

10 minutes later both men were half dressed and sat by the kitchen window drinking coffee, looking out over the bay and the new day's sun that was blanketing Cardiff in soft warm light. "So, are you going to tell me what's going on, or do I have to continue guessing?" Ianto enquired, putting down his cup and looking pointedly at Jack. Jack looked away, averting his gaze down into his coffee, watching the swirling liquid, trying to gather his thoughts. "I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it yet in all honesty." Jack replied, looking back up at Ianto, a hint of pleading in his eyes. "Well you weren't ready when you got back, you weren't ready after John left, the nightmares are getting worse and I really think it's time you opened yourself up and let it out. What are you scared of?" Ianto asked softly, not wanting to put unnecessary pressure onto the already difficult situation. "I don't know, it's all just so overwhelming. I feel like I've lost myself a bit and I can't bring myself to talk about it just yet. I will Ianto, honestly, and you're the only person I want to talk it through with, but I'm just not ready yet." Ianto could see that Jack was being honest, he couldn't continue to press Jack, he knew he had to get there in his own time. It still infuriated him, he wanted to make it better now, remove the hurt and calm the storm in Jack's sad eyes.

Ianto took Jack's hand in his, moving his chair closer he lightly kissed the man's neck. "Well whenever you decide you are ready, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere and all I want is to help you, you know that. I'll support you and do whatever it takes" Ianto breathed into Jack's neck, inhaling his scent and wishing once again that he could un-do all the hurt. Ianto wanted the old Captain back, the fearless man who looked death in the face and merely laughed. Jack groaned, feeling his lover's lips on his skin, hearing his words, breathing in his sleepy scent. "You know" he replied slowly, kissing his way along Ianto's shoulder, up to the soft spot behind his ear, "I've thought of something we can do for the next two hours, even if we can't sleep, we can still utilise the bed..."

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**AN: Please review if you have the time, would be good to get some feedback!**


	3. Chapter 3

_Frankie Miller – I can't change it_

_The Howling Bells - The Bell Hit_

**Chapter Three.**

The young Welsham was lent over the coffee machine, his shirt sleeves rolled up and his tie loose. His suit jacket was hung up carefully by the sofa, and he was trying in vain not to cover himself in water. Ianto scrubbed at the coffee machine, he'd even brought a toothbrush for the job, wanting to get into even the smallest nooks and crannies. He found the task strangely calming, and comforting. He was in control, there was an end goal, and he didn't have to think about anything else. He became aware of a presence behind him and looked over his shoulder to see Owen stood staring at him.

"Will that ever make coffee again or is it just going to give me minty fresh breath?" Owen enquired, standing by the sofa, looking at Ianto's efforts in dismay. The Welshman looked up, his face displaying his displeasure at Owen's comments.

"Ha bloody ha, sharp as ever aren't you Doctor Harper?" Ianto dead-panned, rolling his eyes at the other man. "If you must know, it was getting blocked as no-one ever thinks to clean it out, so unless you like your coffee to taste like a blocked drain I suggest you go away and...do whatever it is you do...down there...out of the way...", he pointed down to the medical bay and motioned for Owen to follow his gaze.

"Someone got out of Jack's bed on the wrong side this morning!" Owen muttered as he wandered away, a small grin spreading across his face. "I heard that!" Ianto called after him, Owen merely waved his hand dismissively in the air, and Ianto went back to his task with ardent fervour. In actual fact he hadn't gotten out of either side of Jack's bed that morning, and that was half the problem. A couple of weeks had passed since the last time they slept next to each other, and in that time Jack seemed to come up with a multitude of excuses as to why he couldn't stay over, or come round for dinner, or why they should spend the nights apart. Ianto knew for sure he was being rejected when Jack declined an offer of dinner, with a feeble excuse muttered along the lines of needing to get his filing up to date. For a start, Ianto was the master of filing and knew it was up to date, and he also knew for a fact Jack wouldn't usually go near the archives unless it was for very different reasons. Usually involving his stop watch.

Ianto had thought they were making progress; Jack was still being distant but he had at least promised he'd talk through what was on his mind. It seemed to Ianto that Jack had decided to take ten steps back and hide himself away completely. He went back to his task of scrubbing the machine, trying to push the thoughts from his mind with every stroke. "It's not like he's even your proper boyfriend" he told himself, "Ok, so he may have said he loved you but that was usually when his mind was very much elsewhere, it doesn't mean anything." He looked up and realised he'd started to brush some of the writing off the buttons. Sensing he should probably wipe down the machine and do something else before he ruined the machine, he resigned himself to a long and lonely afternoon in the Hub. Gwen was out tracking down a weevil with Tosh, and Owen was now firmly engrossed in his lab. Jack had closed the door to his office and expressly told everyone he didn't want to be disturbed unless the rift went into meltdown. Ianto stood up, rubbed the small of his back, and made a few cups of coffee to make sure the pipes were cleared of soap. The hiss and swirl of frothing milk and steam calmed him, the familiar sounds easing the growing tension in his shoulders as he emptied his lungs in one long stream and tried to physically push the stress outside of body and into the air of the Hub. He looked at the full mugs of coffee all stacked up, and then glanced over to Jack's door. Deciding he needed another task to keep himself busy he headed in the direction of the information desk, adjusting his tie and unrolling his sleeves as we made his way across the floor of the Hub.

Jack sat in his office chair, leaning back with his feet up on my desk. He was staring intently at the bubbling hand of his friend which sat in front of him. Encased in its glass prison it almost seemed to be waving at him, as the liquid around it continued to balloon and bubble and move it from side to side. Jack put down the empty glass in his hand and lowered his feet to the floor. Reaching across the desk he placed his hand on the cool exterior of the glass, trying to line up with fingers with the ones inside, almost trying to touch it through the glass. "Where are you when I need some advice, hey?!" he asked the hand, wiggling his fingers against the case, his bright blue eyes staring, fixed ahead. Thoughts raced through Jack's mind, the last time he had seen the Doctor, the last time he had seen Martha… "This is no good" he thought, and looked over at his empty glass tumbler, wondering how a man who never drank had managed to finish off another double shot of whiskey.

He checked his wrist strap, and saw the time, wondering how the day had gone by so quickly and yet why it had seemed to go on forever. "Yet another annoying idiosyncrasy of time itself," the Captain thought. He mused on the way its very nature could move from the linear to the logarithmical, and back again, in a split second. He had had enough of time, he knew that much. Infinite and twisting, he felt like time was weighing down on him, trapping him forever. The man who only exists in one point of time and yet is forced to spend eternity in it's all-consuming, never ending swirl. "How is that fair?" he thought. An infinite sentence to life.

A loud knock at his door brought him back from his contemplative state, and sitting up in his chair he called for the visitor to come in. The door opened slowly and Gwen's head appeared around the edge, smiling widely. Her cute gapped front teeth greeted Jack's face with warmth, and he found himself grateful just for the sight her, although he'd thought isolation was all he really wanted and deserved.

"You ok in here? You've been tucked away all day! I know you said you didn't want to be dirsturbed, but I thought maybe it was time to take my favourite Captain out for a drink. You know, in a pub – outside, into the real world, where the normal people go about their lives and alien-life forms are just another film plot!"

A small smile appeared on Jack's face, he had to hand it to her, she always knew how to pull him out from underneath the dark clouds he created above his head. "Gwen Cooper, you're a star!" he said. He stood up and adjusted his braces back over his shoulders. He then grabbed his greatcoat and looked around. Feeling like he'd forgotten something he glanced across his office, shrugging when he realised he didn't even know what he was looking for, he headed towards Gwen and locked the office door behind him. Taking her arm in his he smiled, feeling the effects of his earlier whiskeys relaxing the knots in his stomach. "Let's get out of here", and with that they headed for the lift.

Ianto walked back along the dark passage way to the Hub, tired of hiding out at the information desk. He decided to round up the team and get a few pints in. The alarm went off, the locked door swung open and Ianto strolled in, just in time to see the Captain's greatcoat disappear into the ceiling, a grey-blue arm wrapped around Gwen out onto the street. "Great" he thought, "Just bloody great." He looked across the hub and saw Tosh sat at her computer, "Fancy a drink?" he asked. Tosh looked up and took off her glasses, "Absolutely!" she replied.

"Where's Owen?" Ianto enquired, "Hot date" came the quiet reply. "Where's Jack?" Tosh asked expectantly.

"Same, by the looks of things." Ianto answered, avoiding contact with Tosh's eyes, looking up at the now closed ceiling of the Hub.

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**AN: Please review if you have a chance!**


	4. Chapter 4

_Counting Crows – Have you seen me lately?_

_Brendan Benson – Spit it Out_

**  
Chapter Four.**

The noise was loud enough to wake Ianto almost immediately; he sat straight up in bed, peering into the darkness as his eyes adjusted to the gloom. Looking over at the brightly illuminated bedside clock he saw that it was 2am, he'd only been in bed a couple of hours, getting in around midnight after walking Tosh home from the pub. He reached over and snapped on the light. The noise came again, a loud banging echoing down the hallway to his bedroom. Ianto wearily got out of bed and pulled on his jeans, which were neatly folded on the chair in the corner of the room. Before he even got out of his bedroom he knew it was Jack, he could hear the Captain's voice coming through the letter box, which was propped open with a very familiar looking finger.

"Yan, open up!" came a second shout as Ianto walked down the hallway. I know you're awake. Ooh now this is a good angle, all I can see is jeans and bare Ianto torso…hurry up and let me in!" he called. Ianto noticed Jack was slurring his words slightly; he'd obviously been drinking. Ianto snapped the letter box shut when he reached the door and heard Jack yell out on the other side, quickly retracting his finger.

Ianto opened the door. "You're drunk!" he said, looking down at Jack who was still kneeling on the floor, bracing himself against the door frame with one arm outstretched, shaking his now red finger on the other hand.

"Do you always open the door half naked in the middle of the night?" Jack said, ignoring Ianto's statement and staring up at his toned physique. Jack hadn't known what to expect the first time he managed to get the Welshman out of his clothes, but the sight of his bare skin always ignited excitement within him, the soft definition of his toned muscles was so inviting.

"Only to drunk men in uniform" Ianto answered dryly, a glint in his eye. "Are you coming in then?" He could only just conceal the small grin that was threatening to appear across his face, reminding himself he was still mad at Jack for ignoring him, and for leaving earlier that day with Gwen.

"Ok, sounds good. I think I need some water…" Jack began, pulling himself up and walking through the door, shutting it firmly and loudly behind him.

Ianto looked over his shoulder, "Could you make any more noise?!"

"Yes I could. I could make a LOT more noise. And so could you Mr Jones, I know that for a fact!" Jack said half laughing, stepping forward and spinning Ianto round by the belt loops on his jeans, pulling him close. Ianto blushed slightly, and felt Jack's hot breath against his cheek. He looked into the Captain's eyes – the essence of the man he knew and loved flickered back at him through the blue.

"So…water for you then!" Ianto said suddenly, pulling himself out of Jack's grip, taking his hand and leading him to the kitchen. Ianto turned on the tap and let the cold water run for a moment before picking up a glass and filling it with icy water. He turned round and saw Jack struggling with his greatcoat, he'd managed to get one arm out but was tangled up in the rest; one of his braces had come undone and hung down his side. Ianto smiled to himself, he wasn't sure he'd ever seen Jack intoxicated before, usually he never drank at all even when they were all at the pub together. He put the glass on the table and took the coat off him, laying it over the back of the chair. Jack smiled a lop-sided grin, and sat down, gulping at the cool water in front of him, "Thank you."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Jack sipping at the end of the water, suddenly wondering whether he'd done the right thing by coming round to Ianto's at this time of the morning.

"I didn't think I'd see you here tonight." Ianto offered, trying to break the silence that had descended upon the two men.

"Well I'm full of surprises" Jack grinned, "want to find out more?"

"I should think Gwen has explored them enough for one night!" Ianto shot back, eyebrow raised.

"Oooh. Ianto Jones is jealous!" Jack started to laugh, a taunting tone creeping into his voice.

"Well thanks. Laugh. That makes me feel a whole lot better. It was nice of you to ask Tosh and I out with you after work by the way, oh hang on, you didn't! But then maybe we would have ruined your special date with Gwen so it's probably best we weren't there anyway." Ianto really didn't mean to sound as jealous as he was, and certainly not as accusatory. He'd spent most of the time in the pub with Tosh pretending to listen whilst mentally going through what he would say to Jack next time he saw him, playing it cool and not mentioning his hurt feelings. He'd planned to pretend nothing had affected him, and knew he had to come to terms with the fact that Jack wasn't the man who was going to settle down with him. Ianto started to blush realising how pathetic and jealous he probably sounded to the older man, and sat down at the table across from him letting out a long sigh.

A slightly awkward silence took hold of the kitchen, the air felt thick around them. "Sorry, not really sure where that came from." Ianto said sheepishly.

"Sure you do! You know in truth I just needed to go out and forget about everything, and Gwen was there, and offered to buy me a drink so… No-one else was really around, you certainly weren't. Tosh and Owen were down in the cells containing an over-excited weevil. I assumed you'd gone for the day." Jack offered by way of explanation.

"It's not just tonight though is it? You've been avoiding me for two weeks Jack, one minute you're all over me, we get really close, and you're telling me you love me. Then after yet another night of nightmares and tears you decide to step right back. And now you're drunk…you don't do drunk! What is going on?" Ianto asked quietly, realising that he had laid out more on the line that just a simple question. The atmosphere had noticeably changed, and both men shifted uncomfortably.

"More water, I'm going to need a lot more water." Came Jack's response, pushing the glass across the table towards his lover. As Ianto reached out for it Jack grabbed his hand. "It's always been you. You know that right?" he said with a sudden seriousness to his tone. "Well maybe it was Gwen, a bit, but nothing has ever, and will never, happen. Full stop. I love her for her sense of fun, her humanity, and her ability to pick me up when I'm down. I'm in love with you for being amazing, and passionate, caring, kind. I'm in love with you for every cup of coffee you have ever made, for all the small things that give me some sense of meaning to what is otherwise an endless life devoid of everything but the air around me at any given moment in time. I'm in love with you for being the kind of person whose door I can bang on at 2am, a bit drunk, and be welcomed in. Well, almost welcomed in." he added, with a slight grin, holding up his slightly red finger. "I'm sorry I've hurt your feelings, and I know I've been off the past couple of weeks. I'm just dealing with a lot, and obviously not doing that very well. I thought I'd started to get a handle on things but it's all gone awry again." He sighed. Jack got up from the table and moved across the room, standing by the window, looking out across the bay. The night seemed to stretch endlessly across the water, and Jack felt the weight of it inside him crushing down.

"Ooh-kay. Lot to take in." Ianto started, standing up from the table and moving to the tap to fill up the glass again. "He is actually in love with me?" Ianto thought to himself, barely allowing himself to believe it. He took a sip of the water before handing it over to Jack, who turned to look at him, tears starting to well in his eyes.

"Don't, its ok" Ianto said gently, cupping the side of Jack's face with his palm.

"No it's not, everything is not ok. And I don't know how much longer I can pretend it is." Jack answered, his voice starting to break. Ianto took his hand and led him to the dark living room, and down onto the sofa. Reaching over Jack to the table he switched on a lamp, letting soft warm light spring across the room. It reflected in Jack's eyes, which were now looking at Ianto with a small pleading spark.

Ianto had been waiting for months for Jack to open up to him, and now that it finally looked like he was going to, Ianto was scared. He was scared of what he might discover. Scared of what was going to be said and heard. He was scared that despite his best intentions he wouldn't be able to comfort this complex man, or even begin to fathom how to sort out whatever mess Jack had inside his head. He knew, however, that love wasn't easy, loving someone and all that entailed was one of the most difficult things you could do. He just hoped it would be enough, that he would be enough.

Now much more sober, Jack looked in to Ianto's eyes, finally realising that he couldn't carry on blocking things out. He wasn't doing a very good job of it and his thoughts were threatening to consume him. He was worried that he'd already lost too much of himself, would he ever be able to claw it back? He knew Ianto was the only person in the universe he could talk to now, no-one else had the connection to his spirit that would agree to what he needed, to understand what lay ahead.

Jack leant forward and kissed Ianto; it started off softly, but grew more intense; his hand slid to the back of the young man's head and pulled him in deeper. Ianto's lips gave way to Jack's tongue and everything flew from his mind. He was absorbed in the taste of Jack's mouth, the feeling of his tongue against his lips, the heat of Jack's face against his own. Eventually the two men broke apart; gasping for air.

Jack stared at Ianto intently, starting a silent dialogue between their eyes. He sat back in his seat, took a deep breath, and for once the brash and confident man quietly began his story.

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AN: Thanks for reading, I hope you're enjoying the story so far. Let me know your thoughts.


	5. Chapter 5

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AN: Sorry I know this chapter is a bit dark and I suppose quite angsty. Fluff-fans, don't worry, you'll get your fix later in this story, but right now this can't be anything other than bleak.

Many thanks to those who have reviewed so far and for the messages of encouragement! Also thanks to all of you who have added alerts /favs – it's very rewarding and much appreciated. Special thanks to JaqueDark, Specialfrancine, Ciocia, Moonlight83 for your reviews.

Disclaimer: Lots of songs helped me imagine my way through Jack's lonely path, they are probably referenced somewhere - albeit discreetly through language, but anything I have used obviously belongs to its original author and I'm grateful for the lend.

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Mumford and Sons – Roll Away Your Stone

Counting Crows – Rain King

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Chapter Five.

Jack started to tell Ianto his story, his quiet and resigned voice unfolding his fears and questions in a way he'd never felt free to do before. Ianto listened intently, with no answers to offer, except a nod or a sad smile, letting Jack explore and reveal all that he needed to. Often the tale was jumbled, or made little sense, Ianto wasn't sure he understood everything (or anything come to that), but he was determined that Jack should be rid of his demons. This was the first step.

"What it _means _to be human. I can't stop going over this question in my mind, what it means to be human, to be Boeshanean? What does it mean to be alive? Am I alive? I'm here – but does that mean I'm actually alive? I don't know anymore. It's as if the lines have been blurred and re-blurred to the point where nothing seems real anymore. I can't stand the darkness, that's one of the few truths left I can trust.

When I think of heaven, I think of flying. Soaring. Freedom. I'm starting to wonder if that exists, or if the darkness is all there is. I'm falling, constantly. This dark, sick, sensation is balled up in the pit of my stomach and it won't relent. It's like I'm falling down a never ending hole, light is rushing past me faster and faster until everything is a blur. There is no up or down, just the relentless rushing, I can't reach out for help, I can't do much except fall and try to remember to breathe. Is that life? Darkness is a strong term don't you think, and yet it dominates the way I think.

The Doctor says I'm a fixed point in time. And I have _no_ idea what that really means! Other than the simple facts: I died, and there was nothing but darkness. A darkness which simply can't be described, it seeped into every little corner of me, nothing was left untouched, not one thought or cell in my body. It enveloped me and I didn't even know it was happening. I knew nothing, yet everything dawned on me at the same time. My mind imploded, thoughts rushed and rushed until there was nothing but the infinite dark. I have no idea if time passed, some must have, but I was floating somewhere far away and I couldn't tell for sure. I woke up, and had no idea what had happened. Suddenly, like a sharp flash, my mind reached out again. I gasped for breath and breath came back to me, suddenly air was tearing through my lungs and the light came back to my eyes with painful force. All my thoughts rushed into my head, I felt my body reconnect. Synapses on fire and nerves shooting signals to far reaches of my mind.

Ianto, damn why is this so hard to say? Basically, I can't die. I've been given a life sentence…endless life with a double helping of…life! Of course at first the indestructibility was amazing. I felt like a god, I could do anything and everything, with no fear of come back. After all, what's the worst that could happen? _Nothing_, nada…there was nothing bad that could happen. Right? I mean everyone is only really, truly scared of dying, and scared of death. Take the death, the bit after you physically die, out of the picture and what do you have left – is there anything to fear? People should be scared of dying, it's horrible. At least for everyone else, however, it's the end. For me dying is never the end, it's just the beginning of a new saga and I know it will happen again. Death is the easy part, but I'm not granted that.

Being alive and living means an end point, when you're born you're guaranteed an ending, right? People always say "There's only one certainty in life – death". They say it flippantly, without thinking. I don't get given the luxury of certainty which grants everyone else the throw-away gesture of the comment. Death is not my certainty, dying maybe, but death never. Maybe if, like him, you're a Timelord, it's different, you understand; it's your culture, your destiny. But I'm not a Timelord; I'm supposed to have an end. It's not my destiny – or is it? Was this supposed to have happened? Was this written somewhere on the walls of time? I don't think it was, mostly because he seemed to think I shouldn't have happened. So where does that leave me? I've been cheated out of my ending, my goodbye. All I have is the darkness, waiting for me, terrifying me from afar. It taunts me, it knows I will return again and again and again, it waits for me with bated breath. It waits for me with a sick smile on its face, I pay it a visit and let its dark, cold hands slide over my body and take me away. Then the sudden onslaught - the rush of light and breath, and I'm back to the start.

There's only life, or death. There is nothing in-between. One minute you're alive and you breathe, then you take your last breath – you don't expel or inhale again, and you're dead. Did you ever *die" though? I mean, there was no transition, in a split second you were alive and then you were dead. Okay, so you might have been dying, but did you actually die – was there a moment where you died? It feels like one moment you're there and then you're not – you can only be one or the other. Alive or dead. I guess that means right now I'm alive.

Fixed in time, but not fixed in space. So my being is fixed, at one moment, in one place – I'm forever woven into the fabric right there and then, like a tapestry hanging on the wall of time itself. But me, my physical being, is free to roam, in fact more than that, it's doomed to life on forever.

Does that mean I still have a soul? Do I have a soul Ianto? Did I leave it behind – was it left in the darkness in that desolate place, or did it return with me? Maybe, I don't know, did I leave it behind on the wall, was it woven in – is that what is fixed? What part of me is fixed – what imprint did I leave? Or did I lose my soul before that, at the moment when I fell down, when my heart took it's last strained beat. Am I now soulless? Can you even be alive without a soul, truly alive I mean? Do you mean anything without one I wonder. This is more than just physics Ianto, it's more than the laws of time and space – if my timeline was fixed, do I now stem from there only? What does that mean for my past and my future – on what line do I now walk? Do I even walk a timeline…your guess is as good as mine. I wonder where I exist, how I exist.

Questions, questions, questions. It seems I am only left with questions. Most of which I torture myself with knowing that I will never get the answers. _He_, with all his wisdom, can't explain it to me; I think he knows there is darkness in the truth and worries about my ability to handle it. Maybe it's for the best, maybe.

At first it was amazing, you know? I wasn't answerable to anyone, I had a ball. I travelled the universe and put my Time Agency days behind me, I didn't care – I lived day to day and died all the same. Every time I got back up, dusted myself off and continued with my journey. I met people, I lived with them and their friends, we'd drink, we travelled, we shagged. I did stupid things, I lived for every moment. The problem with living forever is there are a lot of moments, an infinite number in fact. What to do with them all…how to make them meaningful once you know they will never run out, not sure I ever figured that out. Maybe it's you, maybe love makes it meaningful.

When John killed me, I think it was the final straw. He's an idiot, a damaged man with a warped sense of love that was never really healthy or productive. At one point in time I did love him, but things change, people change and seeing him there in that bar was a shock. I'd just assumed he'd probably been killed or imprisoned – he was always heading that way. It was a total shock, the worst possible kind of blast from the past. When he pushed me from the roof I couldn't believe it, well actually, knowing John I could. There was a part of me that was totally horrified by the man he'd become. Maybe what I was _really_ horrified about was the realisation that I used to be that man – and I could have ended up being him now if things hadn't changed. Anyway, it was yet another death to chalk up on the board, and a very painful back to life experience too. Try straightening out your spine after it's snapped over a bench and see how much it hurts!

You want to know about the pain….well yes it still hurts. If I get shot, I still get shot – the pain pulses through your body at a million miles an hour. Every nerve is on end and your mind is screaming so loud that everything else falls silent. Usually it's sudden, intense, and over quickly. A shot to the head, a fall….in the end the pain all seems the same. After a year of enduring the worst possible pain at the hands of pure demented evil I suppose nothing hurts as much as it once did. I don't want the pain to go away though; it's one of the only reminders that I'm still human in some way.

Yes, the year. The year that never was. Time passed, and the same time then ceased to exist. In a moment the whole paradox collapsed and took a year of Earth history with it. It's hard to explain, but when you have seen the end of the world there isn't much left – there really was nothing to lose. With the others I battled, I tried to never give up hope. I had faith in the Doctor, in Martha, in what they could achieve. I've seen before how one person can save the world and I held onto that knowledge. I died so many times that year, it was a constant pattern, I think I almost became addicted to it at one point – to the darkness, I wanted it to just take me away. Waking up and seeing the others helped me to kick that thought to the curb, I saw their suffering and fear and realised what kept them going was us, the group, the shared conviction that their daughter, sister, my friend, would come through and do what was needed.

That all takes energy, that, and everything which has followed – not to mention the years here at Torchwood. I'm so tired Ianto, that's it really – I'm just so tired. I've lived two lifetimes and the future is endless. It scares me – infinite time scares me to my core. I don't want to know any more, I don't want to live thinking nothing matters. I want every moment to matter again, I want to recapture the beauty of life and the awesomeness of it all – I want to value it and not wish death upon myself. I've come to a decision Ianto. I'm tired; I want a normal life for once. I want…to be retconned. And I want you to do it."

Jack sat back on the sofa and looked at his lover's face. He breathed a long sigh of relief, he'd finally said it. The 51st century man closed his eyes, still stinging through the tears. He was suddenly overcome with tiredness, but mostly it was relief that swept through his body.


	6. Chapter 6

_Willy Mason - We Can Be Strong_

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**Chapter Six.**

Ianto sat on the other side of the sofa to Jack, stunned into silence. Too many thoughts were passing through his mind; he couldn't concentrate on one of them long enough to make sense of it all. Death, life, immortality, time, space and finally retcon. Retcon? Was that really a solution to Jack's pain, Ianto had no idea. He felt pretty numb after hearing everything Jack had come out with. In reality, he hadn't stopped to think about Jack's past in such detail. He knew it couldn't have been easy, but he had no idea how Jack was suffering inside. He felt shocked by Jack's solution, and knew he'd have to talk him out of it.

"Jack, I'm overwhelmed, I don't know what to say" Ianto started, wondering what the right response was. He couldn't find the words, his mind was twisting with images and he found that despite his best efforts he couldn't articulate any of them.

"I know, I'm sorry, I understand it's a lot for you to take in and comprehend. I don't expect you to have answers, I gave you mine. I want out Ianto - I want a normal existence for a while. I know it can't be forever, I understand my duty to Torchwood, the team, the Earth! I'm worried if I don't get some down time I'm going to lose it big time, and there might be no coming back from that." Jack looked at Ianto; the pleading was obvious on the older man's face.

"Jack, I know what you're asking, but I can't give you a yes or no tonight" Ianto said, then checking his watch added "or rather this morning."

"I don't expect you to – just think about it for a couple of days and then we'll talk. I feel so much better for just getting it off my chest; I've been thinking this through for a while now. I can't tell you how much it's been eating me up inside. I'm sure I have already second guessed most of your objections, believe me this wasn't an easy fix or a quick decision for me to come to."

"I'm sure it wasn't" Ianto replied "but right now, at this time of the night, after you've been drinking, and we're both tired and emotional, is probably not the best time to carry on the discussion." Ianto felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss, he wasn't quite sure why. The energy that had sustained him through the past few hours was dwindling and he felt it drain from his head down to his toes.

Jack looked into the Welshman's eyes. He wasn't sure what was looking back at him, but it seemed fraught with worry and tiredness. Suddenly, worried he'd put too much on the younger man's shoulders, he lent forward and touched Ianto's tired face gently. "Let's go to bed, I want to be in your arms. And I think despite my best attempts to drink water my hangover might also be kicking in." Ianto sighed and nodded. He felt exhausted, which wasn't surprising considering it was early morning and light was seeping through the curtains. The two men made their way to bed, curling up next to each other. Jack put his arm around Ianto, who lay on his shoulder, sinking against the warm comfort that encapsulated him. Both men were drained and fell asleep quickly, waking a couple of hours later to the violent sound of the alarm piercing the stillness of the bedroom.

"Nooooo…." Ianto moaned, reaching his arm out sleepily, fumbling around the bedside table for the clock. He found it, and picking it up, held it above his head. With one eye open he read the time, 7.00am. He put the clock down and moved over onto his side to look at Jack, who was also waking from the noise. "Two hours sleep is just not enough, and my head hurts!" Jack mumbled, his eyes still closed, a frown appearing on his forehead. Ianto smiled and reached over to stroke his temples. "You know I can't feel much pity for self inflicted illness". "That's because you're not the one who's done it – this time, I'll remind you of what you said next time you're hanging after a night on the wine with Tosh!" Jack replied sleepily, opening one eye slowly to see Ianto looking at him.

"Good morning Captain." Ianto said softly, smiling as he lent over Jack's sleepy form, placing kisses on the side of his forehead. "Does this help?" he asked, seeing a smile spread across Jack's cheek at the touch of his lips. He could feel the warmth of Jack's still mostly sleeping body seeping through his own skin, warming his chest as he lay against him.

"Yes, it certainly does, but it would help even more if you could just…" Jack started, half sitting up and turning his body round so Ianto was suddenly, and deftly, underneath him. He looked at his lover's face, half smiling, half wondering, and started kissing his way down the man's neck and collarbone.

"…make you a coffee and run the shower?!" Ianto laughed, interrupting, playfully pushing Jack back against the bed, sitting himself up. He was always amused by Jack's insatiability, which never relented, even when he was feeling hungover, tired or vulnerable. Looking down into the man's eyes, he started to laugh, and rolled his own towards the ceiling. He knew that look; he knew that when Jack's questioning eyebrows raised, when his smile emerged from his eyes, he had to give in to him. "Ok…I suppose half an hour won't make too much difference…" he said, grinning deeply as he lent forward to kiss Jack's mouth, stretching the older man's arms out above his head and pinning them to the pillows with his own.

An hour later they pulled up in the SUV. The journey had been short as they were running late, and in doing so they had managed to miss the worst of the morning traffic. They sat in comfortable silence listening to the radio as Cardiff woke up and came to life around them. A few minutes later Jack strode into the hub with the air of a man on a mission. His hands were in his trouser pockets, giving him an air of purpose. He stopped on the walkway, his gaze scanning the hub for activity. The ever confident leader slipped easily into his familiar role, moving his thoughts and emotions away from the past evening's discussions and refocusing them on the day ahead. He waved to the rest of the team who were already at their workstations, checking through the past few hours rift activity. Ianto walked in after him, and smiled at Tosh as she looked in his direction.

"What time do you call this Coffee Boy?!" Owen asked, tapping his wristwatch and shaking his head pretending to disapprove. Unfortunately he was unable to fully conceal his smile, and Ianto grinned back, looked at his own watch and answered "I call this getting out of the _right_ side of Jack's bed in the morning. Coffee?"

Gwen looked over at Owen's face and laughed, "You did ask for it Owen!"

"Yeah, but I didn't know I wouldn't enjoy the mental image when I did!" He answered, pretending to shiver. "If you still have enough energy left, coffee would be great, although I still reckon it tastes a bit funny since you cleaned the machine."

"Maybe I should just make you an instant and be done with it; you obviously can't tell the difference anyway." Ianto replied as he quickly ascended the stairs up to the sofa area.

"Is it just me or is coffee boy becoming distinctly more cocky these days?!" Owen asked aloud, to no-one in particular. Tosh rolled her eyes and went back to her work, picking up a silver grey slab of metal and tapping it warily.

"You'd better watch out then" Gwen replied, "Or he'll take your trophy for being the cockiest member of the team!"

"Trophy? Owen? More like a cocky-tiara!" Ianto called down nonchalantly.

"I never liked you Gwen Cooper. Did I ever mention that?" Owen said, "Or you coffee boy. Never liked either of you!" He wagging his finger at Gwen and shook his head as he sloped off down to his lab area.

The day passed quietly for the most part. There were some occasional spikes but sadly for the team nothing very exciting was coming out of them. Owen had a mild reprieve when he caught a weevil mid-afternoon, but otherwise it was an unusually quiet day for the small team. For Jack and Ianto, this only provided more time to think, to dwell on the night that had passed.

Ianto gazed into space; he looked down at the folder in his hand and wondered how long it had been since he'd pulled it out of the box. Rubbing the side of his face with his hand he yawned, he was so tired he realised, the late night had finally caught up with him. He looked at the stack of boxes he'd taken down and hadn't gotten through, a twinge of guilt streaked through his mind but he shook it off. "Tough day" he said to himself, and started to put the files away, they'd wait.

Ianto had been thinking all day about what Jack had told him. He couldn't really understand immortality, Jack was right, we're all due an ending and in real terms infinite life was a scary and lonely prospect. From Jack's ramblings Ianto had worked out that he must be over a hundred years old or there abouts. How many loves had he lost in that time he wondered. How many people do you have to lose before loss becomes unbearable? Was that what was driving Jack to clutch at extreme solutions? Ianto wasn't sure, he knew that Jack had been selective in his words, and even when they came spilling out of him there was something halting in his stream of consciousness. The year that never was, there was something in the Captain's face when he had spoken about it that Ianto hadn't seen before. It looked like fear, real fear, or maybe just fear that comes from the knowledge of a terrifying truth. Ianto was sure there was more to the whole thing, but he wasn't sure he could ever understand it as it was beyond his realm of reasoning.

Ianto thought about what Retcon would mean. Jack saw it as a fresh start; Ianto saw it as running away. In his mind he'd promised he would support Jack, he had believed he would be able to give him anything he needed – that's what love meant, or so he thought. In reality he wasn't sure he could, surely retcon would just make Jack lose himself completely – something the older man had seemed so scared about as he spoke. It didn't add up in Ianto's mind, maybe it never would.

Ianto lent against the wall and slid down to the floor, he knew he couldn't put off the conversation that awaited him. He just wasn't sure he was ready to have it.

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**AN: Difficult decisions lie ahead... Hope you're enjoying, please review if you get a chance. Also, hope you're enjoying the song choices and they add something to the chapters. It's not always lyric based, sometimes it's just the feel of the sound inside your head.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Apologies for the lengthy gap between the last chapter and this. Unfortunately I went down with Pneumonia (which I didn't realise otherwise healthy 20-somethings could actually suffer from!) and been in no state to write!**

**Thanks to those who have reviewed / story alerted since I last saw you. Keep reading and letting me know your thoughts.**

_The Band - The Weight_

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Chapter Seven.

Jack's boots were resting comfortably on the desk as he lent back riskily in his chair, hands folded behind his head. In his mind he was running through the events of the past few days.

"I can be free of all this" he thought to himself. But what person would he be underneath it all, who was Jack? He smiled at the prospect of finding out, though flashes of doubt tempered the back of his mind. He pushed them aside and concentrated on calming thoughts.

"Penny for them?" a smile appeared round the door, and Jack looked up to see Gwen's face looking expectantly at him.

"They're worth much more than that!" he replied, smiling widely at her. He slipped his feet off of the desk and stood up, slotting his hands into his pockets as he advanced towards her. "I need a coffee, where is a young, gorgeous Welshman when you need one?" he asked, eyebrows arched, eyes smiling. Gwen laughed and led the way out of his office down into the hub. Tosh glanced up from the silver brick she was fiddling with and Jack saw her looking over at Owen, a small sense of longing in her face.

Ianto made coffee for everyone; it was already late afternoon and the rift had been quiet for well over a week so the team were restless and starting to get bored. "Not even a bloody Weevil!" Owen sighed, obviously annoyed. "Is anyone feeling the slightest bit sick? If I don't run some tests soon I'm going to forget how it's done!"

"7 years of training has obviously paid off then? One week without anything to do and all your medical knowledge is down the drain!" Ianto teased, sipping his coffee and looking at Tosh who was hiding a smile. Owen retaliated with a fake smile in Ianto's direction, flicking his pen lid at him while he did so. Ianto ducked out of the way and looked at the doctor with faux seriousness.

"You're going to have to pick that up doctor"

"Erm, I think that's actually what office boys are paid for!"

Jack had been surveying the scene, hands in pockets, leaning against the railings. "I think it's time for a little team bonding!" he announced, taking in his team and their bored faces. "How about we get out of here and head to the pub, I don't think I can handle your expressionless mugs for much longer. I'm starting to think I'm working cybermen!"

Ianto winced, visibly, and Jack caught it in the corner of his eye. He looked over, "Sorry Yan, bad joke. Didn't think…" he mumbled apologetically. The others were already up and reaching for their coats, the biting Cardiff wind was in full force and the rain hadn't let up for two days.

"It's ok; I know you didn't mean it like that, one day it won't make me sad…I'm just not there yet." The young man replied, smiling as best he could so as not to convey the deep pit that had formed in his stomach at the mention of the C word.

"Let's get out of here!" Owen said, breaking the slightly tense eye contact that had formed between Ianto and Jack as they turned their attention to him. "There's a pint with my name on it waiting at the George!" They trooped out of the hub; Jack set his wrist strap to sync with the rift manipulator, an alert system should anything go wrong in his absence. He didn't usually leave the hub; in fact he lived there to all intents and purposes. He glanced up at the ever-spiralling ceiling, Myfanwy circling the metal heavens.

Half an hour later the small team were happily sat in a booth at the back of their regular haunt. Jack was regaling everyone with a story that even made the doctor blush, Owen started choking on his pint at Jack's conclusion, a huge smile crossing his boss's face at the sight.

Ianto sat and laughed with the others, he could see Jack was noticeably more relaxed. He seemed to be letting himself enjoy the evening. Ianto couldn't quite reconcile this side of Jack with the one he'd been privy to over the past couple of months. What scared him was the thought that Jack had made up his mind for sure, and the weight off his shoulders was manifesting in his jovial and care-free mood. Ianto sipped his pint and eased back in his chair. Images of Jack ran through his mind, shadows of his tears dropped through his memory, and he realised he hadn't been listening to the conversation for a while.

"Ianto!" the sound of his name brought his attention back to the table; the team were looking at him expectantly.

"Sorry I was miles away, what did you say?"

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A few hours later and all four of them were quite tipsy. They'd been playing a drinking game Gwen said was a favourite down at her old station. It involved them crossing their hands over one another, flat on the table and tapping out various rhythms in sequence. Unfortunately Tosh had failed utterly from the beginning and was much worse for wear. They decided to quit the game while she could still stand and Ianto fetched her some water with the next round, she took it gratefully.

"Listen guys there is something I need to say to you, and I know it's not going to go down well" Jack started. Ianto shot him a concerned look.

"Jack I'm not sure here and now is the right time…" he started gently, a knot twisting inside his stomach as he guessed what Jack was going to come out with.

"Ianto, it's never going to be the right time – it's not like I'm doing it tonight, I'm just telling them!" the captain protested.

"Are you two going to let us in on the secret then?" Gwen asked, her face falling from the smile that had adorned it into a worried frown. She had known something was wrong for weeks now. Jack had spent more time than normal in his office with the door shut, seemingly with little time for the team or anything that didn't involve solo missions. She'd also noticed Ianto was quiet and withdrawn, a worried expression forming when he was deep in thought at the coffee machine.

"I'm with Gwen, your little fling is all very well and good, I get the knowing looks – the eating-each-others-faces when you think none of us are looking…but I don't appreciate the secret keeping from the rest of us – if we should know something can you please just put us out of our misery?" Owen chipped in, downing the last few gulps of his pint and thudding his glass down on the wooden table.

"Ok, well this is something I have given grave consideration to, it's not been an easy decision and I want you to know that from the outset…" Jack began.

An hour later Jack was in a cab, nursing a rather painful bruised lip, Ianto sitting opposite him with little sympathy written on his face. "I think they took that quite well, all things considered" he said, looking into Jack's eyes.


	8. Chapter 8

_John Mayer: Bigger Than My Body_

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Chapter Eight

Owen sat on his sofa, a tumbler of whiskey in his hand. It was the fourth time since he'd gotten home from the pub that he refilled the glass. The bottle clinked against its side as he watched the smoky liquid tickle down. Replacing the bottle on the table he sighed, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. The smell of the whiskey comforted him, and the warm glow it induced helped even more. He was drunk, he knew that, and maybe he shouldn't have gotten so worked up, but how else was he supposed to have reacted to Jack.

The doctor looked down at his right hand, shifting the glass into his left and flexing his sore knuckles. He watched as his fingers moved and pain rippled towards his wrist. He knew he hadn't done any lasting damage; it was just bruising from the hard connection with Jack's jaw bone. Owen didn't mind the pain; pain reminded him he was alive. It intensified his reactions, it governed his decisions, it made his mind sharp and responsive. "Pity it doesn't do the same for Jack" he thought, still consumed with misery over what the captain had revealed.

Owen still felt rage bubbling in his stomach. A mixture of hurt, anger and alcohol that had detonated in Jack's face through his fist. The over-riding feeling was the sense of being disappointed. Jack Harkness wasn't the man he thought he was. Jack Harkness was strong, a leader, he was powerful and in control. The Jack Harkness that sat across from him in the pub was weak, he'd let fear and pain get the better of him. Who could look up to a man like that?

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Gwen slowly put the key in the door and walked inside her flat. Feeling deflated and confused she closed the door as gently as possible, looking over her shoulder at the empty living room wondering if Rhys was home from his night out with the boys. She dropped her bag and walked across to the bedroom, peeping round the door. Sure enough Rhys was soundly asleep and snoring. The duvet has half thrown off the bed and he was still dressed. A drunken passing-out. Gwen smiled sadly to herself and closed the door. Walking to the kitchen she ran her hands through her hair and sighed loudly. She still couldn't take in what Jack had said. The night had been going so well, and then it took the ugliest turn, ending in a fight, accusations flying as well as fists.

She poured herself a glass of water and pulled out a stool, sitting at the breakfast bar in near darkness, staring out of the window at the city spread out beneath her. She got it, in part – she understood the eyes of a man at the end of his tether. She had been a good copper, and part of that was compassion and understanding. She did understand, she was upset, but she did get it. What hurt her was the fact that Jack hadn't confided in her earlier, she could have helped him through, she could have tried to make things better and prevented things getting so out of control.

She gulped the cold water, enjoying the coldness of it, holding the glass against her cheek to cool herself down. Tears started to form in her eyes and she knew she wouldn't be able to hold them back, nor did she want to.

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Tosh was in bed, a cup of coffee in her hands. She felt terrible, her hangover had already started to kick in and she felt sick to her stomach. "Poor Ianto" she thought to herself. She had sat and quietly watched events unfold in the pub around her. Feeling quite drunk she'd been unable to really take part in the conversation, the fight, she'd just watched everyone's faces. Firstly Jack's, the sorrow and pain evident for everyone to see. She also saw Ianto's fear and worry, the young man aging in front of her as Jack told them what he had planned. She noticed Ianto fidgeting, unable to keep himself still – as if something was going to burst out of him at any moment. Gwen's face was just open-mouthed shock; she reached over to take Jack's hand, the ever-caring former cop wanting to make everything ok. Owen just got angrier and angrier as he listened. Words became heated and before she knew what had happened they'd been asked to leave the pub – everyone's eyes upon them, listening and watching their every move.

The rest was pretty much a blur for her, she sipped her coffee and tried to go through what had been said, Jack was going to leave them – that was all that stuck in her mind. That and the pain in Ianto's eyes.

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As he gently pressed his sore lip with the ice he winced, looking at his face in the bathroom mirror. He realised he looked terrible, pale with dark circles forming. He moved the ice away and checked his lip, it wasn't too bad he thought, the bruising should go down in a day or so. "Trust Owen to start throwing punches" he thought to himself, staring at his reflection trying to look behind his own eyes.

Maybe he had messed up; maybe this wasn't the right decision. He started to doubt his resolve, but he knew it was just the guilt talking. Sighing, he turned away from the mirror and turned off the light, walking quietly down the hall way to the bedroom. Ianto lay asleep on the bed, and Jack couldn't bear to wake him. He closed the door and wandered to the living room, settling himself on the sofa. The darkness seemed to overwhelm his senses as he closed his eyes, his skin felt alive and his hearing picked up every small creak as the night-time house spoke to him. Slowly he fell asleep, and the ice pack fell to the floor, forming a puddle as he slept.

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**AN: Thanks for reading, please review if you can.**


	9. Chapter 9

_Death Cab for Cutie – I will follow you into the dark._

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Chapter Nine

He rolled it between his fingers, feeling the contours chalky but smooth , before bringing it up in front of his face, pinched between his thumb and forefinger. The small white tablet, his own special recipe. Just enough to wipe out his long term memory, with enough adjustments to leave in the important bits. Jack's eyes glazed as he stared at it, leaning back in his chair he took a sip of whiskey, his eyes never leaving the small round dot.

He knew the others didn't approve, they'd made that clear in the pub. Back at work Owen was distant, rude and snappy. Tosh just looked concerned, making cups of tea of Ianto and keeping to herself. He could tell she was un-nerved by the whole thing, but he didn't know what to say to make it any better. Gwen spent her time working hard, eyes glued to the rift monitor as if her life depended on it. Occasionally she'd look over at Ianto or Jack and tears would start to well, but she immediately turned her attentions back to the screen. Surprisingly Jack noted, Ianto seemed to have made his peace somewhat, he hadn't brought it up with Jack again directly. 3 days had passed and it hadn't been spoken about out loud. Whether this was actual progress Jack wasn't sure, but he was tired of trying to second guess what was going on in his young lover's mind. Leaning forward on his desk, he carefully placed the tablet in the little box open on his desk, and popped it into his top drawer. He locked it shut and placed the key in his pocket.

Ianto knew Jack was going to do it, and he knew he couldn't stop him. If there was one thing he'd learned, Jack was determined. He thought about the evening ahead, he was cooking the Captain dinner – at Jack's suggestion, and his mind wandered to the kitchen and what he could make. "May as well enjoy him while he's still Jack, the Jack I know" he thought to himself, then scolded himself for the shadows behind the thought. Ianto had decided that the only way to get through the on-coming storm was to stay positive, and not to let his mind focus on the darkness. That's what had seen him through the difficult months after Lisa, it had to work again, it just had to. He feared his sanity depended on it. Physically shaking his head, he re focused on what he was doing and secured the metal box in front of him, slotting it into the archive space and sealing the lock. There was something comforting about the routine; Ianto knew he was a creature of habit at heart, no matter how spontaneous he tried to be.

* * *

"Mmm that smells AMAZING!" Jack said, almost shouting. He wrapped his arms around Ianto's waist and breathed in the back of his neck. Ianto felt warm under his embrace, and Jack momentarily shut his eyes, feeling the ultimate comfort of someone he loved in his arms. Ianto grinned to himself and continued to stir the sauce, leaning his head back and to the side so it rested against Jack's.

"I love you. You know that." The Captain said into Ianto's shoulder.

"I know. I love you too" came the quiet reply.

Jack released his hold and wandered over to the table, picking up his glass of wine. He watched his lover cook for a few minutes, the careful precision with which Ianto added the ingredients, and the measured stirring which followed. Ianto knew he was being watched, he secretly loved Jack's eyes upon him, his gaze feeling like sunlight on his skin.

"I still can't get used to the Jack who drinks you know!" Ianto said, looking up from his creation and pointing his wooden spoon at Jack's glass. "I thought you were water-man all the way!"

"Well, I'm just enjoying it for a bit, anything to relax these days" Jack said, a small sad smile twitching at the edge of his mouth. He held up his glass, "to you, to us... to the wooden spoon" he said and jokingly clinked his glass against it. Ianto laughed, and picked up his own glass, "to you Mr Harkness. Bringer of ever needed light relief." He took a sip and put it down, looking at the saucepan. "Right we're good to go, this duck isn't going to eat itself!"

They both sat opposite each other at the small kitchen table. Their plates were almost empty and Jack was bemoaning his fullness. "I can't move, I'm so full and it's all your fault!" he pouted at the young Welshman.

"Well you didn't have to have a second helping you know, there is such a thing as self restraint!" Ianto replied, smiling at Jack with mock disapproval edging his tone.

"When have you _ever _known me to practice self restraint?" Jack asked, a devious twinkle in his eye as his lips tried and failed not to smile.

"This is true," he conceded, throwing his hands up in the air, "I admit it, I should have known better than to offer you a second helping. I know from experience that you can never turn it down!" Ianto replied, his eyes matching Jacks, full of mischief and sparks. His hands came down to rest on the table and he fixed Jack with an intent stare.

"Are we still talking about dinner...?" Jack offered.

"No" came Ianto's firm reply.

Both men started to laugh, and Jack put down his fork. Pushing his chair back he stood up, hand out-stretched in front. Ianto smiled and took his hand, allowing himself to be pulled up, standing close to Jack as the older man encircled him with his arms.

"So, you wine and dine me, and then what?" he asked, burying his face against Ianto's neck. Ianto sank against him, resting his head and feeling the weight of Jack against his shoulder. "Now... I make you wash up!" he replied, laughing as Jack started to nibble the soft point behind his ear. "Spoil sport" was Jack's only retort. He tightened his hold around Ianto and held him close to his body, feeling the most comfortable he'd felt in a very long time. He wasn't sure if it was the smell of his skin, the warmth he felt being absorbed into his body or just the unconscious acknowledgement of a perfect moment passing by.

"Right, as romantic as the kitchen is, why don't we go out and enjoy the sunset in the garden?" Ianto asked, finally prising himself free. Jack looked at him and pouted slightly; eventually giving in to the tug of his hand. Ianto picked up the wine bottle and headed through the doorway. Jack lent back and grabbed their glasses, following him quickly through the door and down the hall way to the living room. Ianto opened the French doors and stepped outside into the cool sunlight. He dragged the patio recliners so they were facing each other and moved the table to the side. He sat down and motioned for Jack to do the same. Soon both men were sat facing each other, bare feet in each other's laps and refilled glasses of wine in their hands.

"Tell me something" Jack demanded.

"What do you want to know?"

"Anything, something. Something from that beautiful head of yours." came the response.

"Hmmmm, ok well thank you for being so specific!" he thought for a moment, cocking his head slightly and squinting into the last of the evening sun. His face was illuminated with a slight orange glow, his eyes lightening with flecks of fire. "You're the only man I've ever loved." Upon hearing this Jack smiled, and opened his mouth as if to speak.

Ianto beat him to it, "It's ok, I know you can't say the same!" he interjected. Jack reached forward and intertwined his fingers. "No, I can't, true. But I can say I honestly haven't loved anyone like this in a very long time. And I'm very old, so you'll have to trust me on that!" They sat in comfortable silence for a while, sipping wine and playing with each other's fingers as the bright orange sun cast long shadows across the garden.

"About the retcon" Ianto started, watching as Jack quickly retracted his fingers and sat back in his chair. He looked immediately agitated, but Ianto wasn't willing to ignore it forever. "When are you going to take it?"

Jack had expected further persuasion, perhaps a pleading case. He hadn't expected acceptance of his decision. "Tonight." He answered truthfully; his eyes straying from Ianto's face and off into the garden behind him.

Ianto took a deep breath, "Right. In that case, we'd better make it a good one."

* * *

Ianto lay on the bed, naked apart from a towel pulled across his middle. He could hear Jack in the shower, and put his hand up to find his hair almost dry from his own. He thought back over the past few hours, Jack had been so relaxed and happy. He almost felt incensed as to why the Captain still felt the need to erase his memories, if he was this happy now why couldn't he just stay like it – ride the crest of the wave for a while longer? He knew in his heart that the key factor was that Jack was looking forward; he was only happy because he knew he was going to get what he wanted – an escape from his nightmares, and the guilty terror that invaded his day dreams. Ianto sighed, looking over at the empty space next to him, reliving their earlier delicious tryst in his mind. He absentmindedly stroked his hand across the empty pillow and reminded himself to be brave. Jack walked out of the bathroom looking gorgeous, rubbing his hair with a towel and smiling at Ianto.

"What are you thinking?" he asked.

"I'm thinking, now we're both clean, we should have that dance you promised me earlier."

"I don't remember promising you a dance!" Jack teased.

"Yes, you definitely did. I seem to remember you were promising me a lot of things at that point...in fact I'd go so far as to say you were begging" Ianto laughed as he sat up. He reached across and pulled Jack down onto the bed. Jack kissed him softly. "Come on then, you only get one chance."

Ianto pressed play and pulled Jack close as the music started. The two started to dance in the dark, Ianto grateful for the lack of light as the tears began to fall uncontrollably. He silently let go of some of the grief he'd been harbouring, and enjoyed the closeness of Jack for what felt like the last time. Jack closed his eyes and pulled Ianto close, he could feel the wetness of tears on his shoulder but he tried to ignore it. Soon his own joined Ianto's, silent words exchanged between them.

The song came to an end. They held each other for a moment, but the spell was eventually broken as Jack pulled away and reached onto the mantelpiece, opening a small box. In the gloom Ianto saw the small white pill in his hand, and watched as Jack swallowed it. Fighting back further tears, he tried to smile, and led Jack back to the bed; laying down with Jack in his arms.

"Don't worry, tomorrow will be fine. Just all the bad bits will be gone, I'll be a better man for you, I promise. I'll be a better man for me. I love you." Jack mumbled, sleepily. Within minutes his breathing deepened and Ianto felt the familiar sensation of his weight sinking into his shoulder. Jack was gone, Ianto hoped he'd be back again in the morning, as a final tear escaped his eyes and he kissed his lover on the forehead "Love you too Jack."


	10. Chapter 10

Failure – Laura Marling

* * *

**Chapter Ten**

Ianto shifted uncomfortably. Jack was still fast asleep on him, and as a result his arm was almost totally numb. He knew he had little chance of sleeping for the rest of the night; his mind was whirring with everything that had happened that evening. Sliding Jack gently onto his own pillow, Ianto retracted his arm and made circular movements with his shoulder, slowly bringing it back to life. He looked over at the sleeping man and adjusted the silky cotton sheets so he was more or less covered. Leaning over Ianto planted a soft kiss on Jack's forehead, he didn't even stir.

Ianto got up and pulled on his robe, rubbing his tired eyes and letting his fingers push back his hair, crinkled up and curly from the shower. He went to the kitchen and looked at the remains of their evening. Nothing had been cleaned up, the plates lay on the table and the empty bottle of wine was by the sink. Ianto suddenly felt his throat closing up, a horrible drowning sensation threatened to overcome him, his stomach felt like it was reaching up to grab him. He took a deep breath and leaned over the sink, being instantly sick. Wiping his mouth he ran the water tap and filled a glass, gulping it down as if quenching an unquenchable thirst. Slowly the lump is his throat dissolved and the tears fell down his face. "There's nothing I can do now, what's done is done" he thought to himself.

Ianto sat down at the kitchen window and looked out into the black. He felt an overwhelming sense of loss and grief. It started in his toes and before he knew it, it was spilling more tears down his face and he wasn't sure it would ever stop. For the first time in his life Ianto had felt happy, truly happy with himself and with life. He'd finally made amends with himself, accepted his past and felt like the future was worth living for. Since he'd lost Lisa nothing much had made sense, the only thing that had was Jack. Even Jack hadn't made much sense really, but their relationship was the easiest and most natural thing Ianto had ever encountered. Ianto sighed, and pulled his robe tighter around his body, suddenly feeling very vulnerable. He got up and snapped his coffee machine on, opened the fridge and pulled out the ground beans. His eyes were drawn to an envelope clipped to the top of the packet, his name emblazoned across the top. He knew that handwriting, it was Jack's.

Abandoning the coffee he sat back down and tore the envelope open, finding various pieces of paper clipped together with a covering note.

"_Dear Ianto,_

_I wasn't sure where to leave this, but no doubt you will be awake first and I assumed you'd be making coffee. By now, I know I've taken it, and should be in a deep sleep. There's a powerful sedative added to the mix, it will allow time for the retcon to go to work without me being awake and confused, you know how it works I guess. I've created a special mix this time, I will remember all the important stuff, you, the others, my name! You'll be the parts of my life I know, I just won't quite be able to connect the dots. What I won't remember is my past, or Torchwood. I'll have a vague recollection but it will seem just like a dream, just like someone else's dream that I happen to step into now and again. For all intents and purposes I'll be free – soaring through a new untouched sky._

_I know by now you will be probably be scared but please don't worry. Everything will be fine. I get to figure out what it means to be human, mortal, real...it's all I want._

_There is one other thing to say, and this is very important. The trigger word for this retcon is TARDIS. This word will invoke powerful memories and will bring me back – the attached papers detail the retcon chemical make up and some other details, just in case. They also give you a back story – if I start asking questions these words and memories will work with the retcon to make me feel comfortable and I won't question the past, I can just enjoy the future. _

_It's your call, you're the one who knows the trigger. I trust you._

_See you in the morning, the new me is waiting for you Ianto._

_I love you._

_Jx"_

Ianto carefully folded the papers and put them into his robe pocket. He retrieved his phone from the counter top and sent a text to the others:

"_He's done it. Sleeping now. See you in the morning, still got a Hub to run. Ix". _

* * *

Tosh heard her phone beep, and turning over sleepily reached for it on her bedside table. She groped in the dark until her fingers finally found it, small and cold. The screen illuminated her bed, causing her to squint until her eyes had adjusted. She read Ianto's text and rolled over. "So," she thought "that's it then, he's done it." She immediately started worrying about Ianto and how he would be coping, she didn't want to ring incase he was trying to get to sleep so she sent a short message back instead,

"Everything will be fine, see you in the morning. Be strong. Tx"

* * *

Owen reached over and grabbed his phone, pausing his video game. He opened up the text and took a swig of his open beer. Reading the words he downed the last few mouthfuls and angrily threw the bottle across the room onto the kitchen floor, which stretched out into his open plan living room. The bottle smashed into tiny pieces, and the sound was magnified by the silence of his flat. Sitting back he sighed. He didn't feel any better he reflected, and now he'd have to clean up the mess. He sat for another minute, his chin resting on his hands. He pulled out his phone:

"Get some sleep, I'll still be needing coffee in the morning. Owen"

After a few minutes he got up and walked wearily over to the kitchen, retrieving the broom he started to sweep up the wet glass.

* * *

Gwen awoke as the first morning sunlight was streaming through the gap in the curtains. She looked over to her bedside table and picked up her phone, looking for the time. Her screen illuminated with Ianto's text and she read it as she wiped the remnants of sleep from her eyes. Putting down the phone she snuggled into Rhys's back, there were still hours to go until she needed to get up. Rhys's warm body comforted her and she tried to clear her mind as a few tears escaped her eyes.

* * *

Ianto knew he should go back to sleep, he'd need to be up early in the morning and he'd need his energy to deal with a different Captain. Feeling bereft, he slipped off his robe and climbed back into bed silently. Once again he wrapped his arm around his sleeping lover. Eventually, after a few hours of staring into nothing he fell into a dreamless sleep, one where his mind floated without thought for the consequences of his responsibility that lay ahead.

* * *

Jack awoke slowly, enjoying the sensation of being between sleep and awake. He didn't quite know whether he was still dreaming, but his body felt light and his mind was somehow still disconnected, not quite understanding that he was re-entering the conscious world. He sensed that there was someone else next to him, and that he was encased in their warm embrace. The Captain opened his eyes and drew a slow hand across them and up through his hair. He took in his surroundings, a tidy modern bedroom that was streaked with morning sunlight which came through the bind with its long fingers, reaching across and touching light from corner to corner.

The sleeping figure next to him wasn't stirring. He saw the messy brown hair and long slender torso peeking out from the covers. Quietly Jack extracted himself from the arms, as enticing as they were to him, and slipped on the clothes he found by the side of the bed. Zipping up his jeans he felt in the pockets and pulled out his wallet. Checking his cash, he figured that £10 would be enough to get him back to his flat in a taxi, and he could avoid the awkward morning-after conversation with this guy if he left now. He cast one final look over the sleeping body on the bed, "Well, he's really cute..." he thought, and looked around in the hallway for something to write on. Spotting some post it notes by the phone he quickly scribbled. Looking around the room he padded over and stuck it to the mirror, taking one last look at the hot sleeping man.

Once outside, Jack took a deep breath and surveyed the morning light. He took out his phone and dialled the taxi number he had stored. "Hi, I need a cab asap please." Looking around he spotted the street sign and relayed it to the cabbie's office. "Great, yeah going to..." he paused. Mental block. For some reason his address had completely left his mind. Muttering on the phone, he said "the bay, I need a cab to the bay." Snapping the phone shut he shook his head, it must have been a rough night though he couldn't remember drinking too much. He knew from experience that he tended to dabble a bit too much during most one night stands, and assumed some water and painkillers would sort him out. As he walked to the end of the road his address suddenly flashed into his mind, of course, Havannah Street.

Ianto woke as the alarm went off. He felt awful, like a train had run through his head, even his body ached. The physical he could explain, the mental was more difficult. He immediately knew the bed was empty, he looked over and stroked the sheets where Jack had lain a few hours before. Sitting up he took a deep breath and reminded himself to be strong. Walking to the window he raised the blind and looked out over the sleepy City. It was waking up noisily, with traffic starting to move and stop. Turning around a flash of bright orange caught his eye, a post-it note on the mirror. He clambered over the bed and pulled it off, scanning it quickly.

"_Thanks for a great night, had a LOT of fun. If you want a repeat performance call me sometime, Jack." _

His number was scribbled on the back. Ianto bit back the tears, a huge lump in his throat threatened to engulf him as he gasped for a breath. So much for Jack's retcon mixture, he obviously didn't remember that Ianto was his boyfriend, his lover, and he'd left thinking he'd had a one night stand. Ianto screwed up the note and threw it in the bin across the room. Slamming the door behind him he made his way to the shower.

* * *

Jack was in the back of the cab, feeling confused. He was experiencing a strange sensation, kind of like déjà vu but not quite. He had the nagging sense that he'd forgotten something but couldn't put his finger on it. He stared out of the window and realised he'd be home any minute, he could have walked easily. Somehow he hadn't thought about it though, he'd just assumed he was far away from home – it was something he couldn't quite add up. Shrugging it off, he pulled out a fiver and handed it to the driver, who was waiting patiently after pulling in at the curb. Stepping out he looked around, feeling for his keys he located them in the pocket of his greatcoat and stared down at the row of houses. Walking towards his building he felt unnerved, once he unlocked the door and stepped inside he was still confused. A huge pile of mail greeted him on the doorstep, it was as if he hadn't been home in a while. He assumed the postman had found a backlog somewhere and posted it all through as he bent down to pick it up. Dumping it on the hall table as he walked towards his bedroom he suddenly felt overwhelmed with tiredness. He stripped off and climbed into bed, falling deeply asleep almost immediately.

* * *

**AN: Many thanks for reading, please review if you get a chance as I value all your comments. Thanks to those who have story added and made this a favourite – I'm honoured!**


	11. Chapter 11

(I want to) Come Home – Paul McCartney

* * *

**Chapter Eleven**

"WOOOOOOOOOAH!"

Jack was hurtling through the stars, barely in control of his ship. As he struggled with the controls he tried to block out the warning sirens. He reached up and flicked the alarm system off - the release of one small button; suddenly the only noise he could hear was the roar of the engine as it struggled to maintain the ship's trajectory with one fuel cell. Jack felt the rip and pull of the ship, his hands sensing every lurch before it happened through his grip on the control unit and the pull through the straps that held him in his seat.

He managed to right the ship and lock on to the station ahead of him. Checking his angle through the instruments one last time he hesitated, before finally leaning across and twisting the handle to shut off the last engine. He knew he needed to save fuel and he should now be close enough to glide to the station without power until he needed to dock. A small swell of nervous energy washed around his stomach and he tasted his fear bubbling up into his mouth. Swallowing with difficulty, he suppressed his nerves and let go of the controls in front of him. He lent back in his seat and ensured the trajectory was set and the controls disabled.

He was covered in sweat having wrestled the ship for the last two hours after the explosion. He knew he'd need to go and inspect the damage and seal off the left engine to prevent any further problems. Flicking open his wrist strap he sent a call signal to the station he was approaching.

"_This is Captain Jack Harkness, Galaxy 5 ID 169856, I've got engine trouble and need to come in and dock if possible. Requesting permission for entry, ETA approximately 40 minutes."_

His wrist strap flashed green and a code appeared for a docking bay. He sighed in relief; you never knew who was about in these stations and what rules would apply. The Captain was on his way back from a time agency mission, having to return in his ship due to a fault with the usual transporter system. Jack had been working for the time agency for a long time, longer than he cared to remember, and yet a simple engine blow out still scared him to death. Not that he could die mind you, but the thought of an eternity trapped in a lifeless floating vessel with only the smallest passing chance of being discovered and saved filled him with fear. An eternity with only himself for company was his worst nightmare.

Jack hated to be alone, he spent as much as possible trying to make sure he wasn't – either on missions or on down time. Being alone didn't compute with Jack, he didn't see the point of it – his own thoughts and mind were scary and he didn't need to be immersed in them. Wherever possible he sought distractions, good looking distractions of course.

* * *

"So we don't know exactly what it does, or how it does it, but we're pretty sure it's the reason behind Tosh's arm growing fur?" Owen asked, tentatively poking the small round wooden box with the end of his pen.

"It's what's inside, I'm sure of it – I felt something bite me!" Tosh replied, looking fearful.

Ianto put his arm around Tosh's shoulders, "don't worry, we'll figure it out. In the meantime you'll have to pull your jumper down and wear gloves when you go outside." Tosh smiled weakly and looked down at her arm, now covered in thick long fur. The site where the initial bite was still itched like mad and she had to scold herself every time she felt like scratching it for fear of it getting worse, or spreading.

"It's at times like this I miss Jack, he would have known what to do. He's probably been bitten by whatever is in there, and bitten it back!" Gwen said, and Owen started to laugh. Soon Ianto and Tosh joined in too, all imagining Jack's indignant expression when faced with these kind of creatures.

"Right. Well all I can suggest is trying this" Owen said, passing a small tube to Tosh. "It worked when Ianto got those scales thing after touching that rift junk last April."

"Thanks for the reminder Dr Harper!" Ianto replied, shuddering slightly at the memory. "Back to work then guys, we need to investigate that Weevil sighting this afternoon" he instructed as he carefully picked up the wooden box with some industrial gloves and placed it into a secure larger metal box.

* * *

The time seemed to pass slowly and Jack kept checking he was still on course to occupy himself. He released his straps and got comfortable in his chair, he may as well relax and take it easy for half an hour he decided. He lent backwards in his chair and de-activated the blind over his head. It drew back to reveal the universe staring back at him. Turning off all the lights in his cockpit he lay back and gazed out. He watched the stars, seemingly rushing past, and the vast darkness that consumed everything else.

The cosmos watched him back, with a long unblinking stare, and as he lay there he felt entranced. Small swirls of blue could be made out, millions of light years away – a galaxy he assumed. Jack twisted his head and strained his eyes to focus on it – almost lost and out of sight as he continued to travel towards the dock. He wondered where he was in relation to Boshane.

He knew he was far, far away, possibly it was all gone by now anyway. Home. He thought about his home, it was painful and he couldn't concentrate for long. The dark void seemed to call out to him through the ship's window and he had to resist its allure. "Home is only a feeling you get in your mind" he thought to himself, "from the people you love and you travel beside, it can be anywhere you want it to be."

* * *

Ianto picked up his phone, and with the encouragement of the others he constructed a text to Jack. They four of them were sat in the hub eating Chinese food and drinking a few beers.

"Just send it and get it over with! You need to see him – sooner rather than later. We all need to know what he's doing and what he doesn't remember so we can form a plan" Gwen said, trying to encourage Ianto. She was worried if they left it too late they wouldn't be able to get hold of him, she had a terrible fear of losing the Captain indefinitely.

"Gwen's right, just send it – we can't sit outside his house and follow him every day to make sure he's ok, we need to re-establish him back into the group somehow – he needs to remember you." Owen added, a serious tinge to his voice – rarely heard by the others.

Ianto glanced down at the text and hit send. He dropped the phone onto the table in front of him and picked up his beer, taking a large gulp he smiled at the others trying to hide the sinking feeling that was engulfing him. "done!"

"Well done tea-boy." The Doctor replied, toasting him with his beer bottle. "Let's hope the Captain remembers what a great shag you are and comes running!" Owen proclaimed loudly. The others looked at Ianto, and he stifled a laugh, soon they were all laughing at Owen's comment. Ianto laughed too, it just all felt so absurd, what else was there to do in the end?

* * *

Jack awoke suddenly from his dream; he was confused and disorientated as he sat up in his bed. He felt slightly dizzy and had a strange feeling that travelled all the way to his toes. Looking around he saw a small square of light on the floor – his mobile phone. He picked it up and lay back down, his head still spinning slightly.

His mind was racing, the dream had seemed so real, he was in a spaceship, travelling through the stars, battling at the helm to save his life. He wasn't sure where that had come from, but he still didn't feel quite awake, somehow the dream was still with him. He shook his head unconsciously as if to realign his thoughts. Looking down at the phone he realised that by the time it showed that he had he slept the entire day, and he'd gotten a text from "Ianto". Opening it up he soon realised the name belonged to the young man he'd left that morning.

"_Hello. Thanks for the post-it; I too had a great night. Fancy a drink/repeat performance tonight? Ianto"_

Jack still couldn't shake this strange feeling that had descended upon him whilst waking from his dream. He didn't really fancy being alone, and this offer seemed as good as any. Hitting reply he sent back a quick text _"I certainly do, on both counts. See you at 8pm, the Plass. Jack."_

* * *

"Apparently there are some things so good even retcon can't obliterate the memory!" Ianto joked, passing his phone to Tosh, showing her Jack's response. She smiled back at him, "See, what were you worried about? Jack loves you – and somewhere in there he knows it. He's not going to turn down a chance to see you is he?"

Ianto tried to smile but he couldn't escape the dark thoughts tormenting him. Did Jack really know deep down – or had the retcon destroyed his memories. He wasn't sure he could win the Captain's heart again; it had been a long process the first time around. He also knew Jack's susceptibility to a pretty face, and it worried him.

The group finished their dinner and decided to call it a night. Gwen checked the rift monitors one last time while Tosh covered up her arm. It had stopped itching thanks to Owen's cream, but the fur showed no signs of relenting. She was secretly rather concerned, but didn't want to burden the group any further with her own worries. At least it wasn't spreading she reasoned.

"Go home, look gorgeous and have a good time with Jack tonight. Remember, he's the same old Harkness we know – not that much has changed, only his memories. He's the same person" Gwen said, noticing the fear in Ianto's eyes.

An hour later, Ianto stood in front of the mirror checking his hair. He'd put on some black skinny jeans which he knew Jack liked, and a red checked cowboy shirt over his white tee. For a new Jack he decided he'd had enough of suits for a while – they were linked to work and the new Jack was nothing to do with Torchwood any more. He knew he looked good. The jeans accentuated one of Jack's favourite features, and the shirt brought out his eyes.

He did one final check and then headed to the kitchen, helping himself to a glass of red. He paused whilst drinking, then finishing it off with one gulp he grabbed his jacket and headed out to the Plass. Jack Harkness was going to get a date he wouldn't be able to forget.

* * *

Jack did up his laces, adjusting the tongue of his shoes and pulling his trousers down over the tops. Standing up he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and cracked a trademark Harkness smile. Adjusting his braces he frowned slightly. Deciding to change into jeans he quickly made the exchange, though he decided to keep the blue shirt and his greatcoat. Turning up the collar he grabbed his keys and made his way out of the front door. He was intrigued by this Ianto, he couldn't really remember the night before but knew he had been drinking so attributed it to that. For some reason he was really excited to see the younger man he'd left asleep that morning, feeling rejuvenated after his epic day-long sleep; Jack felt as if he hadn't slept properly in years.

* * *

**AN: Thanks for reading, there is some hope...**


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